I wonder how it is possible to mourn something that I have never had. Tonight my mind and heart are at the beginning of the end of their tether. And it is contorting the rationale that I have spent many years trying to cultivate.
Unrelated to that thought, but as long as my mind is meandering and pushing its way through hallways that have been long blocked with rubble, I will make a confession and admit that today I said something to the effect of 'Poetry is so highschool'. As soon as those words escaped my mouth, I could see them hanging in the air in front of me and I wanted to quickly pluck them out of the air and stuff them in my pocket with the intention of throwing them in the garbage as soon as I got home.
...and I wonder....'at what point did I abandon myself?'
Had it been five years ago, a thought like that would have never crossed my mind.
At what point did I attain this armour that keeps me from being connected to words...to thought...to feeling...to people?
Where did I go?
Anyway, this doodle was done with gouache, which I have never used up until today. My strokes were tentative, as I was afraid of it. My medium of choice has, for the past few years, been watercolor. Gouache is okay. Perhaps one day I will be daring enough not to water it down so much.