I had my heart set on cleaning out the spare bedroom tonight -- going through boxes where I've stored old receipts, old household appliance and electronics manuals, random papers and ex-lovers. I wanted to cleanse myself of some past lives and create space. Not space that I can fill up again. I just wanted to create space. I've never been a sentimental person and its not difficult for me to throw away letters, photos, mementos. However, my unsentimentallity combined with my bad memory means that without the mementos, I may forget things forever. I'm okay with that, though.
But there was one thing that I could not throw out. Amongst the photos, notes, a manual from my first cell phone, critical life insurance policies and the like, there was a letter. From about seven lovers ago. He had written it to me years after we had broken up. He loved me fiercely. The sorrow and reget in that letter -- his words -- still break my heart. I want to keep that heartbreak. Even if its only his and not mine. Its the saddness that I want to keep. Hurt and saddness are things that are often pushed out too quickly and rushed to be forgotten.
Maybe I just want to remember that I was once loved so much.