the honest vagina

I was asked to write about honesty.  This is hard for me.  Not that I lie or don't tell the truth.  I'm just really private.  I'm uncomfortable with my honesty.  I'm not one of those "Here-I-Am-Look-At-Me-And-Listen-To-My-Deepest-Feelings" type of person. 

A lot of the time I'll shroud my honest feelings with a "pht-wave-of-the-hand" or a "Whatever, no big deal" statement.

And maybe that's what I'm doing with this post, but its pretty honest nonetheless.

I have lump.  Its in my vagina.  Kind of to the left side.  Its painful.  Not nearly as painful as it was a couple weeks ago, but I still sometimes shoots a vicious pain through my vagina and up my spine and into my brain -- the pain begging me to stop doing whatever it is that I'm doing.  And usually it comes when I am running or climbing the 1000 stairs up the mountain which I've taken quite a liking to.  By the way, nothing makes running easier than going up a 1000 steps beforehand.

So, soon after including stair climbing into my workout repertoire, I had sever pain and a big lump in my vagina.  Left labia, to be exact.  The lump the size of an apricot.  Pretty big for a place that's not too big to begin with.

Naturally, I self-diagnosed myself.  Actually, my boyfriend diagnosed me.  He said it felt and sounded like a hernia.  Yay!  A hernia!  Of all the things that ran through my brain, a hernia was the most plausible and benign explanation.  And I was sure that that's what it was.  My mind was at ease.  It made sense.  Sudden stair climbing = hernia.  Good.  Easy to fix and not life threatening.  Perhaps a minor surgery and all would be forgotten.

I went to the doctor with my self-diagnosis.  I blabbed on about the events leading up to the lump, the pain, the intensity.  I wanted to convince him that it was just a mere hernia.  As I was talking I noticed he didn't seem to be paying much mind to my chatter.  He examined me.  He was mostly silent.  Straight-faced.

So, as it turns out, its not a hernia -- it is a lump.  Lumps are always scary.  With lumps people always think the worst.  Lump.  Such a little word that holds so much fear and uncertainty.  And you start analyzing everything you've done or consumed in your life up until the lump that may have been a likely cause.  Bike riding.  Smoking.  Un-organic fruits and veggies.  Sex.  Sun.  Whatever.  Maybe it isn't a lifestyle thing.  Maybe it just is.

But I'm not worrying about it just yet.  At least not until I see a specialist.  So, I'll take the aggressive drugs that the doctor prescribed me in the meantime (as much as I hate taking any sort of meds) and see what happens next.  Surgery is inevitable,  but what comes after will be what will make me worry, if worry is even an factor at that point.

But this, what I have just told you, isn't the honesty.  It's not "my honest vagina" as I have titled this post.

The honesty is this.  Coincidentally a friend of mine is having her vagina cut open because she is having bladder surgery.  I will be having it cut open to have this lump removed.  And we talked about it and both (somewhat guiltily) did a little happy jig because we would both be getting mandatory recovery-time off work. 

"But you're getting your vaginas cut open!" you may say.  I say, "There is always a bright side to everything." 

Comments

[schmutzie]

Vaginas heal extremely quickly, if that's any consolation.

I had a hysterectomy in July of 2007, and where they cut out my cervix was least painful compared to where they went in through my belly button, if that's any consolation.

Keep us posted!