So, I'm into week three of being unemployed. Its true what they say about time going by quickly when you're having fun. These these weeks are going by quickly. I've always wondered what it would be like to not work and it is wooooonderful, to say the least.
But its not like I'm sitting around on the couch not doing anything. Apart from wasting some time playing Wii (I'm working on Super Paper Mario at the moment -- its awesome), I've been running, painting, going up to a friend's cottage, lots of dog walking, reconnecting with friends, reading, going on little day trips with my lover, staying up late... This is the holiday that that I've been yearning for for years and years. I can actually say that I'm truly happy now.
I start school tomorrow at the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition and I couldn't be more looking forward to it and devoting my time to being a student again. And not only that, but I'm excited to be devoting my time to GOOD things. Things that are good for me. I've always known that the corporate world wasn't for me. And now that I'm free from it, I couldn't be more pleased. Of course losing my job was devastating to me at the time. I felt betrayed, hurt, unwanted, undervalued, alone, amputated from a life and people that I spent years with. But that stuff doesn't last long.
Change is happening so quickly for me right now. Not only am I starting school tomorrow which will lead me to a career that I will love and value, but I am now (after many years of denying it) an ARTIST and will work as one. Wow, that sentence was very difficult for me to write. I've been down-playing my art, my love of it, and keeping it small and mostly hidden. Now it will be coming out into the world. I have a few very special people in my life who I have to thank for teaching me the courage it takes to put myself out there and to slowly become more transparent and to live my life as me. You know who you are, but I just have to mention it here because I am so thankful and grateful.
Firstly I have to thank Krista who, at the cottage this past weekend gave me a talk about working as an artist now. We were soaking up the sun at the beach and she has this way of suggesting things that sound so nonchalant, but are so powerful. Also, Cindy who is my life coach and now a friend that I cherish with all my heart, who has been working with me to reach this goal for a very, very long time. Thirdly, I have to thank my life lover, Steve, who has encouraged me from the time that I met him and now is my actual agent, and will be selling my art. And I definitely have to thank Connie who has a painting of mine that I did way back in high school hanging up in her bedroom and brags about it to people as though she owns a Picasso. Also, Debra who always tells me that she loves my art. And I have to thank the person(s) responsible for me losing my job, because without them this either wouldn't be happening or would have taken a much, much longer time.
So, so far, apart from the short bouts of feelings of loss and mourning over my job and the people that I spent years with, this force that has been let loose in my life has been nothing but good. And we all deserve good. Everything that was lost is filled up with good things. I wish I could use a better word than 'good', but this simple word, when truly spoken, fills me up. And so, I feel good. And when I say it in my head it sounds more like, 'Goooooood' accompanied with a grand smile on my face with my eyes closed. Like when you put an exquisite piece of chocolate in your mouth. (Or, in my case, when I put an exquisite piece of caramel in my mouth, or a delightful piece of sushi or butter paneer or roti.)
This post has been littered with art that I did at the cottage with Krista. A long time ago, when life was a little simpler, a little less complicated, we would do create art together on a regular basis. Her on one side of the table, me on the other, a bottle of wine between us and art supplies surrounding us. This has always topped my list of best memories and it was so incredible to do that again this past weekend with her.
So, my art (so far) will consist of greeting cards (some of which are posted here) along with canvases (which I have not posted) of nudes which are a little more on the serious side. The nudes are representations of me and body image (which is what I have been struggling with all my life). I'm submitting my canvases to galleries in the Hamilton area this month. This, to me, is frightening. I fear rejection. But I'm going to do it anyway. I've been through some pretty tough rejection with losing my job and all, so I think that I'm prepared.
Here goes nothin'.
Just jump in.
The water is cold...
...but once you're in it, it feels good.