Because I don't often blog, its really difficult for me to harness my thoughts and write about just one topic when so much has happened since the last time I blogged and now. So, sometimes I do these blogs called "Plural Effusions" which is just randomness that is packed into one post that probably doesn't make sense to anyone other than myself. But that's okay because blogging is supposed to be just for me, essentially, right?
Ummm....so, my lover is out of town tonight. Yay! Just me and my dog, Daisy. I love my lover very, very much. Tis why he is my lover. But I have to wonder if I am meant to cohabitate. I believe that I am at my most happiest when I am alone, when the house is quiet. When no one else is here to mess up the place. When no one is asking me where I am going, when I will come home, or what I did that day. My lover often complains that I don't talk to him enough. I get annoyed when he says this, but I think its true that I don't talk enough. I used to talk non-stop until I kept on getting in trouble by teachers in my pre-teens. This was looked down upon and they would report back to my parents telling them I was too verbal in class. I would get in trouble. And then try to be really good by not talking to my friends in class. And also, growing up as an only child with parents who didn't care about what I had to say. So, I talked to myself in my head. And now, I just go about my day and don't bother talking about it too much because that's what I've been taught. Sometimes I will spend hours with a friend and she will talk and I will listen and this is what I am used to. And I want to say things, but I don't want to interrupt. And its really frustrating for me sometimes. And now I'm 30 years old and there have been so many things that I have left unsaid. Or if I say them, they come out wrong because I am not used to so much talking, I think. And when words do come out, they are often to the extreme -- either they are really happy words or really sad/angry words -- words that can't be contained. I fear that my lover will be disheartened by all my sadness, but he always tells me "You lead with your heart and I like that." He is awesome.
On a different note, I've been having dreams about working at my old job lately. The job that I lost in August that I didn't want anyway. I keep dreaming that I am working there again. I think that there is a part of me that isn't letting go. I am still hurt. I thought I was over it because I moved on so quickly by enrolling in school almost right after I lost my job. But I'm not over it. Now I'm in school and there is the fear of the unknown. What will I do after school? What will I do between now and when I'm done school? How will I survive financially? My lover thinks that its the greatest thing in the world that I'm not working at that place anymore because he has seen a marked increase in my happiness factor since and also believes that I am on the right path and I am capable of so much more than that job, but life is difficult when there is no defined purpose. A good life not only consists of shelter, food and love. There needs to be purpose too. And I don't want my purpose to be making lots of money. If there is lots of money, it should be a by-product of my purpose. Currently I am in school pursing my purpose -- to be an awesome holistic nutritionist. But right now the purpose is just a daydream in my head. Making my purpose actually happen is the scary part. I see other people trying to create their purpose and it is a long, slow, arduous process. But all that hard work is better than helping someone else create their purpose, I think. Like some huge uncaring corporation that destroys the planet (which may or may not be my previous job). I don't want that kind of purpose.
And on yet a different note, I have a little website displaying my art. I have submitted it to two galleries, but have not heard anything from them. This is very discouraging. Why continue producing art if no one wants it? Originally, I thought I was just doing it for myself because I haven't tried to share it with people for so many years. But now I know no one wants it, so it leads me to believe that I DID want to share it with people and now I find it difficult to create more because the galleries haven't responded to me. Its the rejection that I have always feared. I should give myself credit for putting it out there, but mostly I'm just embarrassed. But on the bright side, I'm not as afraid to show it anymore, so if you're interested, here it is: http://bozena.typepad.com/art/
Also, I want to thank Revenue Canada for forgiving me a $1200 fine. I often feel helpless when it comes to our government because they take and they take and they take. But today, the nice man on the other end of the line said, "Okay, I'll just put zeros in here and you won't owe anything." I am so grateful for this because I am currently unemployed and don't have that kind of money presently. I know his name and want to send him a thank-you card. He has no idea what a tremendous help he has been in my life today.
And eventhough I have no money right now, I know of a little dog that needs a home and some love and I want him to be part of our family:
Here he is. His owners apparently didn't understand the responsibility of having a dog and felt that someone else could better take care of him. Hopefully things work out well. My only reservation is that Daisy will feel less loved. Daisy has been my one-and-only for over 9 years now. He's not the smartest, but he's very intuitive, which makes up for it. He is love embodied. He saved me when I was at my lowest and saddest. He fills my heart when it is dehydrated and makes it overflow.